"It's hard finding the perfect woman," my friend Jack said to me.
"What do you mean?" I asked. "Do you want to borrow my copy of Poison Ivy: The New Seduction
"No, no, we all know why you never answer the phone when My Name Is Earl
"I understand completely," I said, though in truth I did not. It's well known that the line of perfect women waiting to date scientists is so long it can be seen from space. "Have you ever written down the qualities you want, or are you more the type who likes a lot of qualities and will enjoy any girl who is exceptional in one of them?"
"I think I am that second one," he said. "I don't want to be elitist."
"No, setting your standard high and settling for less only by necessity would be too easy, I agree," I said. "Let's take the scientific approach. I have all of the women I can think of in the handy Cashitude 8500 laptop. We can create a regression algorithm that will help you converge on the perfect one."
Off to the lab we went.
"Okay, first thing you want to figure out is her aggression level. Do you like to always be the boss?"
"No, I like a girl who can get in there and mix it up if there's a bar fight. Plus, it's nice to not always have to make the first move."
The Cashitude 8500 whirred for a few seconds.
"Wow," he said, "That works pretty well. But she's a comic book character."
"One, she's a comic book character by Frank Thorne. You could live the rest of your life being happy with that art. Two, this is just the first data point."
"Fine, fine. How about a girl I can get in argument with and not lose an arm? Someone a little more submissive."
The Cashitude 8500 whirred for a few seconds.
"The chains are nice touch. But again with the comic books?" he said. "Can we narrow it to women that, you know, actually exist?"
"Sure, but the algorithm is calibrating you too. Show some patience. It's already figured out you are a 'John Carter, Warlord of Mars
"What did it say you were?"
"Billy Jack
"No comment."
"Okay, aggressive women that are real. What about moods?"
"I like women with moods, maybe even a little bipolar, as long as it doesn't involve killing my dog when she gets angry."
The Cashitude 8500 whirred for a few seconds.
"Now we're getting somewhere. Wait, those are pretend teeth, right? You know a lot of weird chicks."
"She's also 80 by now, I think. Okay, let's try for an action-oriented girl that is under the age of 35. What other qualities would you like?"
"I like girls with nice shoulders who will be good with kids but can still clean up well."
The Cashitude 8500 whirred for a few seconds.
"And are not married to Ben Affleck," he said.
"Oops. But you have to admit, other than picking a girl married to a guy a gazillion times richer and twice as handsome as you, it's doing pretty well. So tell me a few other qualities and we can add them in all at once and see how it does."
"Okay, I like a girl who can get along with my family. I'm from out in the country so she has to fit in there too. She has to drink beer. She has to look spectacular in a dress. Or anything else. She has to have a sense of humor. She has to have a good career."
"All that and she is going to put up with you?"
"Oooh, add 'patience' and 'willing to date beneath her' too."
The Cashitude 8500 whirred for a solid minute.
"Oh my. Errrrrrr ...," I muttered.
"Tell me," Jack said. "Since you originally created this for yourself, are there any inputs that don't end up choosing Jaime Pressly?"
"I guess it needs some fine tuning."
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