WHO AM ‘I’?
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Ayad Gharbawi

2 Persons Talking: 1 is Person One, and 2 is Person 2.

July, 2009

1: What is your problem?

2: I don’t know ‘who’ I am?

1: ‘Who’ do you want to be?

2: I don’t know. I just don’t know what is ‘best’ for me’. Do you understand me?

1: You do not know ‘who’ you want to be. So, how can you ask me, or how can you ask anyone, how you can best be yourself?

2. Actually, I didn’t understand a word you just said. Can you speak in plain English, please?

1. All right. You don’t know ‘who’ you are, and furthermore, you don’t even know ‘who’ you want to be. Fine. So, my question to you is this: do you, for example, wish to be a saint or a sinner?

2. No, for sure, I want to be good.

1. Good. I asked you that question, for obvious reasons. We can now classify you as wanting to be in the category of people who are decent and God-fearing.

2. Yes, Sir. That’s good. Now, what?

1. You tell me that you do not know ‘who’ you are. Who do you ‘think’ you are?

2. Good question. I am like water in the ocean. One moment I am a gentle water and the next  moment, I really shock myself, because I become a savage wave that kills all before me. You see, Sir, that is the exact source of my hurt and anxiety. If I am a solid person, then, am I not supposed to have the same character under any situation? But, the truth is for me, that I change with every differing situation, and, to my horror, I find myself a different person reacting to the different circumstances. And, again, I obviously have to ask myself, ‘who’ am ‘I’, if this ‘I’ in me keeps changing my personalities and my characteristics?

1. All human personalities change with the differing circumstances. That does not mean that your Self is a non a strong entity. Just as any animal will display vastly different responses to what life offers it, that does not mean that the animal in question does not have a solid personality. Do you follow me?

2. I listen&I heard you, but in truth, I do not understand you - or anyone else for that matter.

1. Please speak to me your feelings, thoughts and passions.

2. I feel alone. I feel frightened. I feel scared. Why is that? Can you explain that to me?

1. You feel fear, and all of its associates, because you are yourself incomplete.

2. What do you mean by ‘incomplete’?

1. I mean that the entirety of your Mind is not totally connected. That is why, you do not know who you are.

2. ‘The entirety of my mind is not wholly connected’? What on earth are you talking about?

1. I ask you, to think of what my words mean. Your mind and its constituents are not connected. In other words, one part of your mind does one thing, while another part of your mind does the exact opposite. And there are so many different entities, within your Mind, that work in opposing ways – again, without knowing each other. This, then results in discord and aggravation. Do you understand?

2. No, not really.

1. All right. Suppose, you love someone. Suppose you love him, because he has all the right attributes that you would want in a man. Are you so far with me?

2. Yes. So far, anyway.

1. So you choose to marry this person – let us call him (X) – because you find him to be perfect. But then, you discover that (X) has some really nasty habits that you cannot possibly live with.

2. Fine, but what are you trying to say here?

1. I am trying to tell you, that what you may see and believe is to be the ‘truth’ is nothing more than another lie.

2. But wait a minute, if truth can be a ‘lie’, then, maybe I myself am a ‘lie’? I feel, in many ways, that I am a living lie. A pretender. And, it makes me sick.

1. Excellent! We are now going somewhere with our somewhat conversation. Yes, you may well be a ‘lie’ or an entire ‘fabrication’ of your own imagination. Do you understand?

2. But, Sir, if I accept that I am a ‘lie’, then how can I correct myself – which, by the way, is my original question to you.

1. Listen, carefully. We humans have brains, within which are our minds. The Mind is not a ‘united’ entity. The Mind is composed of a vast number of overlapping, opposing and, at times, cooperating entities. Some entities, within the Mind, are Conscious, whilst others are Unconscious. The human who is are aware of the entities within his/her Mind and is satisfied with the way they function and behave is the satisfied and content human being. The person who is not in control of the entities within his/her Mind and is unable to control their activities, is precisely the person who is not happy and not content with him/herself.

2. I see. Now, I think, I can understand what you mean, when you say, that a person does not ‘know’ himself. You mean, he who is unaware of the activities of his Mind?

1. That’s correct! But, I would also add, that he who is not sure of his/her Identity, is the person who, not only is unaware of the activities of his Mind, but is also unable, or unwilling, to take control of the activities of his/her Conscious Mind.

2. And, so, the person who is not connected to the entities of his Mind cannot know of the Identity of his Self.

1. Exactly! Going back to your original question, how can anyone ‘know’ who he or she is, if they do not think of what their Mind is all about? After all, the Mind is the Self!

2. So, what’s next for me?

1. What’s next is this: you must begin to think – and to think deeply and calmly – about the Contents of your Mind. Only then, will you be able to formulate a picture of ‘who’ you really are. It is like a painter who is about to start painting. He thinks of what he wishes to paint, and he thinks of all the important details he needs to paint, in order for him, to then create the final painting. So, you too, must think and visualise, what are the Contents of my Mind? And, then, you must put all those contents together, as a whole entity, and only then will you be finally able to ‘see’ who you really are.