At the risk of missing out on a life experience, I Doubt I'll be trying this stuff anytime soon:

“Very quickly, anxiety and feelings of profound ‘wrongness’ set in. …I was getting closed eye visuals of people who seemed to be covered in mold or fungi and ‘hearing’ a kind of toothless mumbling that disturbed me immensely. It sounded like the noise a severely mentally challenged person might make, and my head was full of thoughts of ordinary people subjected to ruinous torture and experimentation.” 

Based on this paragraph alone, I think this guy should be a writer for Science 2.0. That's some damn fine prose. Crazy, but nothing short of a work of art. 

If you want even more crazy, keep reading. 

You're probably wondering what the hell this poor guy took. Or maybe, if you're truly deranged, maybe you want to get your hands on some of it. It couldn't be easier: Online, and with the exception of four states, legally. It's a "supplement" called kratom. It comes from a tree called Mitragyna speciosa Korth, which is found in southeast Asia. 

It has been in the news lately because, to put it mildly, there are some concerns about its safety. The DEA has gone out on a very short limb: "More study is needed to determine if kratom is dangerous and should be listed as a drug or chemical of concern." I beg to differ.

Why? If there were ever a Cy Young award given for a pharmacological mess, this stuff would be well ahead of the pack. 

Why? For starters, kratom is not one chemical substance; it is a mixture of more than 40.  Twenty-five of them belong to a broad class called alkaloids—nitrogen-containing chemicals that are found in plants. Most of them are rather potent poisons. 

A single drug can have multiple side effects, sometimes from interacting with enzymes or receptors that it was never intended to affect. This is called off-target toxicity. Antidepressants are notorious for having multiple psychological and physiological effects.

But, when 40+ chemical compounds —many of which have never been studied—are involved, you might expect to see quite a bit of this. You would be right.

Mitragynine itself, the major psychotropic alkaloid that gives kratom its properties binds to a Costco shopping cart full of receptors. Below is a partial list of the known receptor targets of mitragynine, and the function of those receptors. Adenosine: Heart rate, vasodilation, bronchospasm, dopaminergicactivity in the central nervous system, cardiac muscle relaxation, and smoothmuscle contraction

[EXCEL TABLE GOES HERE]

Alpha 2-Adrenergic: Adrenaline levels, blood pressure, gastricmotility, sedation, analgesia

Dopamine D2s

Opioid mu

Opioid kappa:

Opioid delta

Serotonin 5HT2C

Serotonin 5HT

Pretty impressive. This stuff will not merely interact with just about affect every receptor in your body, but also the guy sitting next to you on the subway. 

. Perhaps the warning label would look like this:

It wouldn't be much of a stretch to argue that something with a receptor binding profile such as this could kill Godzilla.

Who know? Maybe it already has. This may infuriate Mothra fans, but you just never know.

Of course, a concoction of drugs that hits every receptor in the universe, would be expected to have an impressive array of pharmacological properties. Well, it sure does, as described by a bunch of people who tried it. It is especially hilarious to note how the same drug elicits the exact opposite effect in different people. Here:

“During my class, I felt more interested in what the teacher had to say then I normally would.” 

and

“I could barely focus. I’d notice split seconds where my mind would just black out.” 

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“All of a sudden I could swim 1.5 miles non-stop, no problem.” 

and

“I literally don’t do anything besides lay on my couch when I’m on kratom.” 

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“Sometimes it makes me feel like the world is just so beautiful and I just start crying."

and

“Human faces appeared to be altered...For example, an old fat granny who had trouble walking, made [me] feel really miserable and horrified of life’s reality, just by looking at her.” 

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"I spoke with a doctor and there is virtually no side effects.” 

and

“[My] symptoms include: intense/full body itching, nausea, dizziness, drowsiness, sweating, urinary retention, blurred vision, dry mouth, thirst, trembling, shallow breathing, slow heart rate.”

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“I use kratom as a pre workout before I go to the gym or the dojo. About an hour after a nice dose I feel like I can kick holes in walls and shit.”

and

“The pain was so intense I was very worried about crashing on my way [to the ER]. …If I pressed my hands around my gallbladder I felt I was being stabbed.” 

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“Recently [my fiancé and I] have both experienced a rather unpleasant side effect; we feel cross-eyed.” 

and

“I have notice improved eyesight. …Specifically colors seem slightly brighter and my vision is crisper.”

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“Since using kratom I have noticed some major improvement in my digestive process."

and

“I was feeling hot and sweaty and extremely nauseous. I eventually went to the bathroom and vomited green sludge.” 

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Saving the best for last (don't blame me—I didn't write it):

"My [girlfriend] insists kratom gives her the runs."

and

“I noticed my poop is forest green and much wider. …In fact, when pooping I feel as if I’m being anally raped by Shaq! "